Something More Than Hopelessness
by Kaida the Dragon Goddess
Summary: They couldn't be together. It would never work. But a one-night stand turns into something much more than either of them bargained for ... (YAOI, Sanox?
1. Chapter One

This is an idea I've been toying with ever since I first started watching Rurouni Kenshin (Much luff to Hol-chan, who first got me started on Kenshin!). Anyways, I was first going to write it so that you didn't know who was who until the very end, but I dismissed that idea, since it severely limits my use of pronouns ... I realize this makes very little sense and I apologize in advance.

I don't own Kenshin or any other character; they're copyrighted to Nobuhiro Watsuki. All mistakes, grammatical errors, plot holes and any other maulings of the Kenshin world is mine. This will be light shounen-ai angst/fluff. Flame me if you must, but it doesn't make me feel very good to have people ignore my talent (or lack thereof) in order to criticize my choice of subjects. Please bear in mind that I worked hard on this fic, and if you don't like it, don't review. It's that simple.

This is a one-shot, and quite sad, I think. Poor Sano.

I knew I should be angry. I should be ranting and raving to myself about how unfair all of this was. I should hate her, I should hate him. I shouldn't be here, I thought miserably.

But for some reason, the anger wouldn't come. I felt nothing. I, who could never hide an emotion to save my life, who would go off at the drop of the proverbial hat, I could not force myself to hate either of them. I had known them too long, shared too much, pledged too much of my loyalty to them.

If there's one thing that frustrates me about myself, it's that loyalty. Once given, I can't take it back; I'm bonded forever, and that's always the way it's been.

Perhaps that's the way it should be.

"Sanosuke? What's wrong?"

I cast a sidelong glance at Yahiko, noting with a touch of amusement that I no longer had to look down to meet his eyes. Yahiko had grown, topping Kenshin by easily three inches. "Nothing," I lied, trying to keep my voice light.

Yahiko arched an eyebrow at me. "You're an awful liar, Sano."

"Hmph." I stubbornly averted my gaze, glaring down at my hands clenched in my lap. I was wearing a kimono, a nice kimono, and that did nothing to improve my mood. I wanted my clothes back, I felt so out of place dressed like this. "And you're a nosy little brat."

"Watch it, old man," Yahiko said, grinning that trademark crooked smile. "I could beat your ass if I wanted to."

"Old man?" I echoed. "I'm only nine years older than you. And you could not."

I stopped talking then, because I had caught sight of them. Beautiful, innocent, pure, like a painting or ... I choked. I'm not poetic by nature, and my previous numbness was gone, dispelled not by anger, but by pain. Blinding pain, searing pain, pain that brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. I bit down on my lower lip hard to stop from crying, but it was a struggle.

What hurt the most was how perfect they looked together. How well they fit, like the pieces of a puzzle. I knew then that it was over, this hoping, this wanting, this waiting. They had eyes only for each other, and I had no choice but to accept that.

Yahiko touched my arm lightly. "It's them, isn't it?" he asked softly, his chestnut eyes gentle and sympathetic.

I could only stare at him in shock. "How ... how long have you ... how did you know?"

"It's your eyes, Sanosuke. You've never been good at hiding."

To my horror I felt a tear wind its way down my cheek. Yahiko wiped it away with his thumb. "I ... I only ... "Even my voice failed me.

"I know," Yahiko said. "I've always known how you felt."

How could you, I wanted to cry. How could you when I barely did? Yahiko pulled me toward him and allowed myself to be led, until I felt the soft cotton of his kimono against my face and the strength of his lean chest beneath the fabric. I cried then, for me, for the dreams that lay shattered beneath my feet, for the pain I'd never admitted to, the pain that had been there all along. But mostly, I cried for the one I loved, the one I could never have.

Yahiko held me and let me sob, occasionally murmuring comforting things under his breath. His lithe arms wrapped around my shoulders securely and I was so ashamed that he saw me like this, so ... not in control. It was pathetic.

"Sanosuke-san," Yahiko said gently after I'd stopped trembling. "You have to face them sooner or later."

"Better later," I muttered, still clutching Yahiko tightly. "What can I say to them?"

"Tell them the truth, Sano. They'll appreciate it much more than another of your lies."

I nodded mutely, staring at them. Kami-sama, Kaoru was beautiful, resplendent in a white wedding kimono and light pink obi. Sakura blossoms were woven into her hair; unusual, perhaps, but I knew of the significance they held to her. Watching the tender way she looked at Kenshin, his fingers folded around hers, my stomach twisted with jealousy. "Yahiko, I can't ... "

He stared into her eyes, as if nothing outside of their gaze held any significance for him at all. It was so obvious that they were in love, in love and happy. After all Kenshin and Kaoru had been through ... I suppose they deserved it.

I still don't remember much of the wedding. I sat there and stared as my friend married the one I loved more than anything. I clenched Yahiko's hand so tightly that my nails dug tiny crescent moons into his flesh, but he didn't say anything, just watched me with a sad sort of compassion. I couldn't think. My brain had stopped, and all I could concentrate on was the pounding of my own heart and the two before me. Husband and wife. Mr. and Mrs. Himura, as they would say in the West.

My mind didn't begin to function again until we'd left the shrine to head back to the Kamiya dojo (the Himura dojo?) for the after-party.

I downed cup after cup of sake, relishing the warmth that spread through my body. I didn't have to think ... I didn't _want _to think ... It had been so long since I had been drunk ... so very long ...

Flashback

The pleasant heat of alcohol mixed with exhilaration tingled in every nerve as I slid the door shut behind me. I tried to walk as quietly as possible, but that doesn't work very well when you've dunk enough sake to equip half an army. I stumbled slightly before I caught myself.

We were supposed to meet in the garden at midnight, but I worried that my love wouldn't come. I glanced up at the full moon glimmering proudly above my head between the delicate blossoms of the sakura trees.

"They're beautiful, aren't they?" I jumped and spun around.

"You're early," I whispered, hardly daring to believe what I saw. If the alcohol was making me delusional, then I would drink more often.

"So are you, Sano." There was the barest hint of amusement in that melodic voice. I rushed forward and gathered the one I loved into my arms, reveling in the softness of skin, the perfection of beauty ... the taste of those lips ...

I wasn't quite sure afterwards exactly how we got to my room. I was so lost in the heat of passion that I found it hard to pay attention to anything but my love ... my lover. I smiled and brushed locks of hair away from that delicate face, those captivating eyes that remained open, glittering in the moonlight, though I was sure my lover was tired after such rough sport. "You can go to sleep if you want," I whispered.

"I want to stay awake. I want to remember this, remember you."

My heart swelled and I felt what I was sure was an idiotic grin break across my face. "I can't believe you came."

"Did you doubt me?"

"Yes," I admitted, staring down at my futon. "I did." I traced designs over my lover's bare stomach. "I just ... I've wanted this so long ... "

"I know."

I looked up into striking amythest eyes, my fingers playing along old scars. "I love you, Kenshin."

End Flashback

(A/N: Did I fool anyone? Did anyone at all think Sano was in love with Kaoru? Please tell me I succeeded in not making it obvious!)


	2. Epilogue

Epilogue: (Can you have an epilogue in a one-shot?)

"Are you alright, Sanosuke?"

"How many times have you asked me that, Yahiko?"

"I'll keep asking it until you tell me the truth."

"I'm fine. Leave me alone."

"That wasn't even slightly convincing."

I snorted; the boy was getting on my nerves. "Go to hell."

"I'd rather not; who would take care of you, then?"

"I don't need—"

"You don't need a lot of things, Sano. But you do need my help."

"I don't need help. I don't need _you_."

"But you need him?"

I glared at Yahiko out of the corner of my eye. "I don't need anyone."

"Let me rephrase that, then. You _want_ him."

"Shut up, Yahiko." I tied the cloth firmly, swinging my makeshift bag over my shoulder. "He's married now. I—" My voice broke and I clenched my fist, furious at myself for being so weak. "I have to go."

"Sano—"

"What?" I whirled around, teeth bared, ready to fight. "I've stayed here long enough! I need some space!"

"You need to talk to him before you go." Yahiko was so calm, so collected. Such a far cry from the spastic little kid he'd been. "You're running away from the wrong thing, Sano. If you don't end this now, you're just going to keep punishing yourself for it later."

"When the hell did you become a philosopher?"

"Sano. Stop being an ass and go talk to him. Your bags won't run away. You can always leave this evening." He slid the bag off my shoulder with nimble fingers.

I heaved a dramatic sigh. "You can't make this easy on me, can you?"

Yahiko grinned wickedly. "I try, Sano. I try."

"Kenshin?" I rapped gently on his door. "Are you in there?"

"Yes."

I slid open the door. "Hey," I greeted, attempting a smile. I must have failed, because his brow wrinkled with concern. "How are you?"

"Fine, Sanosuke. Did you wish to discuss something?" He smiled gently at me and I bit back a sob. He really was beautiful, sitting there dressed only in a loose yukata, hair unbound and spilling over his narrow shoulders.

"Yeah, actually. You mind if I sit?"

"Not at all."

I folded my legs under me, trying my best to ignore the two futons pushed together, the two headrests, the sounds of Kaoru singing as she cooked, cheerfully poisoning us all.

"What was it you needed?"

"I—damn it," I swore. "I'm no good at this. Look, Kenshin, I'm leaving."

He looked surprised. "Leaving? Why?"

I snorted. "Don't play with me, Kenshin. I've had enough. You know why I'm leaving. I just—I wanted to say goodbye."

"Sanosuke, I—" he paused. "I never meant—I am sorry."

"So am I."

"I loved you. You may not believe me, but I loved you."

"Then why marry Kaoru?"

"Because I love her. And because she needs me far more than you do, Sanosuke. She's not as strong as you are."

"Who are you to judge that?" I asked quietly. "Who are you to decide who needs you and who doesn't?" I can already feel my traitorous eyes pricking with tears. "I needed you. I still do. I still love you, Kenshin."

"I am sorry."

My temper flared. "That's all I get from you? 'Sorry, Sano, but I didn't really _mean_ to fuck you—it just sort of happened.' That's it, Kenshin? This is how we end? You didn't even tell me you were engaged. I wouldn't have—_shit_, Kenshin, why?"

"I too have known the pain of loss, Sano. You with Captain Sagara, I with Tomoe—and therein lies the problem."

"What are you talking about?"

"It wasn't good for either of us, Sano. You need someone who can make you smile, someone with joy to balance your pain. I cannot be that person for you. I love you, and I have to let you go."

"The fuck?" I burst out. "What, you dumped me 'cause I wasn't fucking _happy_ enough? I was happy with you, Kenshin! I—"

"No, Sano," he said gently. "Licking each other's wounds wouldn't have done us any good. We would have ended up hating each other. I wanted to end it amicably—so perhaps we could still be friends."

I got to my feet shakily. I just got the 'friends' speech from Kenshin. It was time. I was done. Enough already.

"Goodbye Kenshin. I—maybe I'll see you again someday."

"I hope so," he said, sorrow in his eyes. "Take care of yourself, Sano. Come back to us safely, won't you? I'll be waiting."

I nodded, not trusting myself to look at him. "One more thing," I said , pausing in the doorway. "Does Kaoru know?"

"Yes. She knows."

"She's not mad?"

"She said she was honoured to share my love with you."

"She's grown up a lot."

"Yes," he agreed.

"Ja ne, Kenshin."

"Ja ne, Sanosuke."

"Aishiteru."

"Aa."

Owari


End file.
